I will always LOVE you Fred...

It’s really hard to believe that you can find love through online way, having emotions and building trust in digital way of communication.

It’s possibly true; it can but rarely to find a two people fall in love to each other by distance from miles away. But to let their heart wins the love that bond together.

I try my best the hardest way to get chances and my luck if the heaven can be nice and let me feel fortunate to find LOVE.

I had been fool many times by playful guys whom I give my whole trust to them and suddenly it turns nothing in the end.

But then when I met Fredrik it’s more different and hard to explain in simple word, how I feel on him. Late December that time I’m trying to find myself to be happy after all the pain I have in my heart in personal reason. I don’t know I met him and feel delighted the moment I talk to him, not because on how he look like but I find it there’s a lot of mysterious thing I want to know to him in a way I can connect myself and feel special when he makes me feel I’m special.

To make it short means I was fall in love on his personality, loving his soul on how I get connected and appreciate all of him by his sweet thoughts, charming voice, the connections we had and follow by how I loving and love how he became the most handsome guy in my eyes. Sound crazy but true.

All the pain I had wash away and realize maybe there’s a reason why he came into my life and meets him. You can never tell when your heart start to beat for a special one. It might be short time we met but it feels like knowing him for so long and deeply needing and wanting him in my life. And yes I do love to be his girlfriend and him as my boyfriend as my heart says.

I wish it can possibly be real, that I can able to hug him time to time, sleep next to him and wake up in the morning and see his faces near to me. Giving my sweet kisses everyday to let him feel my passionate love I dedicated, cater him and make love with him with all my heart.

Every time you feel the time you forgot the distance spending time together it makes you feel delighted and having an inner joy.

I love the way he make me smile, his funny faces with different reaction that makes me giggle, I enjoy listening to him and watching him when we talk through skype.

I love how I often make letters for him, sending greetings before I sleep and wake up in the morning, because we have different time zone and were apart living in different dimension in this world. But I believe he lives inside in my heart the moment I felt love on him.

I remember how we exchange different conversation and even seen ourselves in future together, teasing each other’s and make humorous joke to laugh and even misunderstanding that makes both cry. Mix emotions, ups and down and thinking both together and dream.

He’s the sweetest guy and I wish we can make it further till we prove a lot fighting the distance and the feeling of longing to each other. I love him with all my heart and loving him better and better.

But time comes he need to decide to left me and walk away.

It’s like a broken glass, I cried many times, it’s getting harder for me to accept and deny that it’s not be so true. That the person you love will say goodbye and left you.

The dedicated heart is truly hurt the most and sacrifices. I never want to be in broken hearted situation, I don’t want to be in pain, cry and live in tears.

But I need to let him go, even if inside of me I don’t want to. I want him to stay, I want him to be strong and still fight for us and I will do the same.

I often pray and pray and pray. I kept on ask god the first time I meet him “Is he is the one?” because I knew there’s a reason why we meet and why we had good memories that I can treasure for. I will value all of it and be so thankful for everything we have.

Then I ask god again when he left me “Why you doing this to me? Did I make something wrong to love a special someone In genuine way” I might not receive the answer but the only thing I’ve think is still be thankful and pray for Fredrik safety, health and happiness.

If I’m not part of his happiness but at least been a good character in the story of his life even a short while. I know it will take me for so long for him to forgot (in which I don’t want too), because I don’t want just to throw away everything so easy and find someone just to change so quick (I’m not like that). We should not just forgot good things and good people in our life and find to our self that we need to find another one and make excuse because we are lonely and sad. (You will never be happy for a rebound and might hurt another one).

But to keep on loving him even imaginary way. He give me so much reason to be happy and fall in love again but only for him. And despite of failure for me that I thought he love me the same I know myself and even the heaven how I truly love him.

But unfortunately I’m just ordinary woman, limitless, burden and incapable. He doesn’t need someone like me that give him another more heavy difficulty in his life.

But I don’t want to just to throw things away all the sentimental precious memories he left to me but to use it as inspiration even I’m torn apart of sadness.

I still loving him even he don’t need me at all, even I’m just nothing at all for him. My heart screams and shouts his name, wishing I can still let him feel how I love him so much.

Even day and night I cry often, I still loving him…

And if one day he found the happiness I will be happy too for him even he is just a DREAM… a dream that never ever be real… for me.

(Crying…)