A real Man will find his own Way...

I do admit I need a man and want a man in my life. Even ambitious and dreamy person like me want to find the TRUE LOVE. But it’s distinctive to find for. Mostly of men like the idea of lust and desire for body but it’s hard to find that someone loving you in many ways but lovely. Loving you with heart and finding your soul is wonderful and everything that is good in romantic way.

I always afraid to fall in love, why because I don’t want to be broken hearted it’s my biggest fear. I’m a long term type person, my love is not easy to fade and when I fall in love my love will stay as long as my heart dedicated all of me to my man.

I’m so afraid of failure in terms of love, everybody choose to play my heart or else to leave and walk away from me. No one’s last and prove his bravest heart to stand for beside of me.

Love is shelter, a shelter where you can find inspiration, home, strength and dreams. But somehow it can be your weaknesses too and hurt you.

Now look at me where I’ am, many of them think how happy am I with my smile. How beautiful my eyes with those eye makeup.

But no I’m hiding; I’m hiding my pain and sadness these ways. The truth is I’m failed again; I belong for being one of the broken hearted. Because I don’t deserve to be happy, even I’m asking a simple favor.

Simple happiness, find the one that will be love of my life. That’s so impossible at all I guess there is no one will adore and like the way I’ am. Such boring and messy ambitious princess wants to be. Who believe in fairytale?

You can laugh at me, insult me or even snap the words you want to tell how this dream is sucks and only for a young kid.

I did, I was believing that one day after all homeless heart I have who is dreaming not a big castle but a home of love where I can freely live my dream and find the man of my heart and special man of my life.

(This part makes me cry…)

I’m not literally asking for a real Prince or King to be a Princess or Queen but to wear are crown of love that symbolize for me to honor the kindness, love, respect, faith, loyalty, honesty and dedication of the man who willing to accept me and to be part of his life.

I though I’m almost there but situation change till Fredrik choose to go and walk away from me. The saddest part is he already gave up and don’t have the strength at all to fight for me too and he choose to leave because he feels he cannot do anything at all for me.

I try harder to fight to stay for him when the worst time comes on his part. I don’t need to save only myself but to join him to the hardest and darkest part of the challenge for us and especially for him. He’s hopeless, weak and feels that I’m another burden so he decides on his own to break our relationship.

This is the striking the hurting part where I cannot accept easily. They say life goes on and we need to keep going no matter where we are in the saddest and hardship situation. It’s not easy I understand that very clear, he struggle and he is in the pain too where he needs to find his self, love and stand up for a big problems he have.

I know because even if I put myself in that situation it’s hard and tough.

But I’m also hurting too, I’m also crying often were I don’t want it every day, I’m crashing down and crawling slowly to find way to escape being alone after all. You’re not the only one who is struggling alone here Fredrik but also me, but why then you left me without asking my part if it’s the best way for you? All I know if you’re committed your decision is not just only for your own or on your side but both. And whatever you are facing through if its hardship or good one you both are there together. Why is it not even asking me if break up is the best option? Instead why not ask just a space or cool off. But I don’t have a choice I know coz this is the need you asking for as I remember. Because the truth is I cannot help you but to give you another problem as being one of it. I can make things more complicated and heavier. And I’m not capable and useless. I’m crying, before you make me smile and giggle but the moment comes when we break up this is where I exactly live. What if I ask you what you can do? What you can able to make me feel ok?

Even if in pain, hurt, broken situation I’ am. Even if I’m alone and down right now I will never think the same way. I never see you that way because of the trust and love I have for you, you are more than capable than I can expect.

The moment I accept and allow you to get in to my heart you are everything, you’re my everything. The love I have, the happiness, the pain, my joy and inspiration and half of my missing part of my heart. Because you’re capable to do, either loving me or hurting me. And despite of what happen and where we are the reality tells I’m the one who never give up for us but you choose to live by your own without me. You are the one who change and don’t want to be back and I know I don’t have the right to ask you but I love you. But if the true man really loves his girl he will find a way to fight for.

But if you realize I’m not the right one for you I don’t have regret for loving you dedicatedly but still I’m praying your happiness always even if I’m not part of it. When the time comes all I find is pushing to walk away from you, you can still see me or even heard something about me but then you can never ever have me at all. And it’s hard even for me knowing my part I cannot have you…

(Crying…)

Love Rio