Learning myself that i cannot have you...

The saddest Truth... :(

Still not convince myself what reality is happening. My fairytale ended up and everything is change according to the situation. I still believing on my own world since am still have the love and strong feelings to Fredrik.

But I’m so wrong he was just actually talked to me last time to make things clear. Thing that he’s started to build his own way in life and started to make things a bit okie as a sign of good way for him. I’m glad he’s smiling and sees a bit of light of courage for him to stand up. Compare the moment I saw him crying and decide to end up our relationship.

I know I really know myself that whatever he is facing through is not a simple or easy problem. And I always pray and pray for him day by day that God will not forget him to guide him and lead him the way to survive. And I do care for him and still love him.

I was torn apart as always, happy in a way letting know that he’s a bit fine than before and sad because things really change.

Maybe he completely not needed me at all and even no need to talk to me often because he started to use to not talking me at all as same before.

I miss the old times, the old moment, the old him, the old me and the memories we’ve share.

How about me?

Fredrik is not the only one who struggle and even me too, after the biggest cuts I have inside it still remind me the pain and seeing where am I right now. It’s hard to deal it every day it’s like every time that sadness remind you all the saddest part that happen it always makes me cry over and over again. And I’m still, keep crying until now from the beginning I’ve heard he wants to break me up. I was so afraid to fall in love again because I know this will be happen to me, this will be the result and a sweet word that a man will tell you that “he don’t want to lose you” will never prove after.

And look where I am? How many times I mention the word hardship, struggle, pain and the feeling how it really makes me feel the hurting part.

It supposed to be as I remember the month of May is the day that we will finally meet for real. But then things happen unexpectedly and he can’t make it.

He can’t fly and meet me and have a great time together to know deeper each other and share the love we have build since it started.

I understand, I don’t complain about it because I’m not rushing him to make it, because it’s not that easy to travel. And I really mean it not to demand it urgently. But the thing that I don’t understand is why he need even to give up what all we had. Why he need to break things up and decide only by his own not even ask my part in a way that maybe we can find either ways or alternative way. But he was actually felt discourage at all, he started to see the incapability, he got feel hopeless easily with those heavy problems he have.

I don’t have choice but to give his freedom because he feel that he will not responsible at all to give or payback the love I can give.

He feel that he can’t love because he lose his love to his self, I did understand that but why he wasn’t ask me just to give the space but not to leave or walk away from me just to say “I wanna break up with you and I’m so sorry”. (Tears started to flow…)

The thing is he’s not the only one losing the love but also me for myself because all the love I have is already given to him. He’s not the only one who feel empty but me too, he’s not the only one who have the sleepless night but also me. And I have all the tears day by day, time to time when I think about what happen to us.

I trust his love, I trust his word, I trust the dream we can able to work for, I trust him and those are broken that way when the moment he don’t realize that he’s not the only one, he’s not alone facing the sadness and losing the love he value but also me.

I don’t blame him, I didn’t get mad at him instead I blame more myself coz I let my heart love him so much until I get empty. Until my love tank drain and feel everything turns to negativity. I always ask him to forgive me in my prayer for being nothing, for being incapable girlfriend the moment we are consider having relationship, I did, I always ask sorry because I’m not wealthy can help him financially or the one can make a way to meet him.

And this is a big snap on me being useless even I try and try and try harder my best I cannot be with him. Sorry because I’ am just ordinary human I can’t give all you need but the freedom you ask, even I want him to stay and let our heart going. I’m sorry because I’m not the same person like your ex before give him the best memories but to compare to me is trash and no nothing.

I’m not asking on rush everything but to be with you fighting the distance that makes as apart is enough. To listen when you want to open up the hidden truth on how you felt. Share to me everything, make him feel better and comfort him when he struggling emotionally and mentally encourages him. I’m crying for many reason, I’m crying coz I lost you, I’m crying because even I fight for you the saddest truth is I cannot have you at all.

And this is what I’m afraid of I’m not selfish giving my heart but every time I fall It’s always turn to failure. That’s why I guess all I need to learn myself that I cannot have you in my life. But despite of this hardest and saddest truth my heart really has you inside of it. Still I love you so much. More than you ever know.