Still my HEART missing him so much...

I really missing the moment I have with Fredrik, I was actually got back to our conversation and some few amazing moment talking about many things.

There is amazing moment where I can easily smile and laugh with our silly and funny jokes. Those funny faces I save it on my screen shot talking him on skype. I miss sending VM and sending him everyday my sweet word of saying I love him every day.

The moment that he is my wallpaper on my mobile phone (in which he is still until now…). There is some striking and lovely words he told me that make me feel falling in love on him.

I can still feel inside of my heart that all of it is a treasure and so sweet.

I still remember the teasing part about my 75 dresses, the wedding gown, the silly laugh when he laugh at me, the way he smiling when he make me smile and staring at his face. The VM he sent to me that I played many times.

Now who can tell me that I can easily just ignore and throw them away and think it’s wasting a time? In which even half a part of me is losing hope, broken and sad when I get back to those sweet memories I can have a bit of courage to smile for. Now these mean he is not only a big cause of my pain at the moment but he is also the happiness.

A broken love can cure only by a genuine love. And he is both reasons my broken love but my genuine love too.

I don’t know if he still want me at all, because he can able to keep not contacted me the way he did before. And I know I disturb his life if I remind him much about me.

I know he wants to focus on his own and try maybe just to forget those entire things with me. That can be a disturbance for him and I wasn’t sure if I still believe the feeling when he misses me for real. Maybe he misses me because he’s bored but how can he able to do it on his own that he cannot able to talk to me for so long? In which I was fighting myself to control not to miss him but the truth I can’t coz the real thing is he’s with me always. I’m thinking about him often not because I’m boring but because he’s part of me.

It’s hard but I need too, I need to be strong and fight too. And I don’t deserve to demand or ask anything for him even his time.

(Now I felt my tears start to fall…)

And that’s all I can do reminisce all good things when I miss him, yeah I waiting sometimes the time maybe he can able to give even a seconds or short minutes for me and all I can do is just to value it. I’m hurting and I don’t know why it is happening to us, to him and to me.

I really really miss him so much but I know he’s starting to get there walking away and find his own stairs of finding the love he need and I should remind myself that I’ am not included at all. And the truth is I really love the way the moment I heard that I have a big part on his heart. I know words are lovely but how about the action for that word?

I just wanna say behind all the sadness and many times I cried and still crying, I’m hiding all the suffering emotionally and try still to smile despite of losing him in my life.

(Feel the grave Sadness)