You're Still in my Heart

It’s not very easy to forget or move on admit that. Every single person who is broken needs time to heal and step by step to accept the pain. But what’s happening at the moment mostly is like easy to forgot. Ex-boyfriend is like clothes easy to change whether they want or like accessories that you can wear anytime at a time. I’m too far for that I admit that I’m boring and outcast being sympathetic, sentimental type, old cultured and very valuable type, when it comes loving the special someone of my life. I do, I really do not ashamed to love him with all my heart, and It will take me a lot of time to be ok. I’m not in rush to move on because I still let him live inside of my heart. (Teary eyes)

Love is truly fragile for me, Love is rare, and Love is strong commitment of emotions, feelings and investment.

And that’s what exactly I have for him. I don’t want to say over and over again and saying I’m still thinking he might come back.

But I do, waiting and hurting myself often, day by day half of myself believing maybe he was just chaotic thinking about what’s happening on his life. I really do care for him, I wish I’m the one who suffer all he had in his life or pay for his struggle and I willing to do that if the heaven can able to send it back those heavy things he carried about his life. Let me the one who fight for that as long as I can have strength to get for him. I wish really wish let me be…

(Crying…)

My love for him is a symbol of strength, joy and source of inspiration and I prove that the moment we’ve been together connected. I always been in pain and I know I can be deal with it as long as I have the love I need, in which is so very unfortunate for me to have.

I’m the one who care my grandmother who suffer and fight for his battle about his complicated health problems. Trying always to be a hero from time to time she was in and out in hospital, my heart breaks but I need to be strong for her as long as I can let extend her life. Live while she’s kept on fighting. Missing my Mom when I was so down and feel weak and wishing that someday I have more chances to have time for her longer than a years in which I seldom to see her. When she left since I was 3 months old. That someday I can have her in my side and listen to me when I was broken I really want her to be my wall to lean when I need strength. But this is what life is for me.

I’m taking my consequences living a transgender even if some are hate my life, so I keep myself careful and find ways to be respectful and letting people look at me with admiration coz I should be this. I need too.

I need to be successful despite of ups and down but mostly down on my career and keep going for it. All I wanted is to be loved of someone I love too. But why this always happening to me even trying so hard all good things and keeps myself in the box of kindness. Why people I value and loving always left me? Why? And why?. I’m not asking to love me because I’m alone in life, loving me not because I need someone to save me for where Am I. Don’t think that way. All I need and want is love him and love me as my strength and be my life and understand the happiness.

Why that happiness is just always show me it’s like a pawnshop or its like borrow of moment? I didn’t ever play what life for me, I always, serious finding way that I need to be stick for seriousness. I hate playing people and I hate this failure over and over again. I’m so tired, hopeless and being in the dark room of hurt and pain.

My eyes are like made for cry and tears but to be honest it is tiring too. My heart just only wants to beat for genuine love but not to bleed for pain. My love is not a waste for the last man that makes my heart beat but in any angle its still consider failure. My love for him is not failed but the relationship is unsuccessful because of the situation. When he choose to walk away in which I wasn’t get why is that? Do I deserve that? I know I’m not worth to fight for but all I can say despite of all the Hurt and Pain that I’m fighting “You’re still in my heart”.

I know there’s no reason for you to look me back or to think even minutes or second but for me you’re always good memories to look back. (Crying all over...)