Cry and cry and cry and Try...

My eyes always visiting by tears and often cry since I was got broken. Cry and cry and cry always. There are so many good and sweet memories to reminisce and to look back, to smile and see with Fred. But there is only one to cry for, our relationship end and it was destined to end up. Again all I can say it’s not very easy but hard to be in this situation. I was so seriously accept the love he give to me and give it back the same thing to loving him. He’s the best thing for me when he came into my life. I always love him in my heart and I really really do miss him at the moment. But there’s no us at all, it’s hurt to say but no more us. No more LOVE to be connected and I ‘am fully devastated and empty. I don’t know if he really misses me or still love me, it’s hurt to think his love died already for me but mine is still beating and assuming that he will be back. But I still not fully understand that I might put another burden to his life if I keep going and wanting to be connected to him.

He already done and cut his connection at me, because I was so hurt and doesn’t want to give him another hardship I deleted him on skype. But the truth is I don’t want and need to do that coz I want to see and talk to him I really want but he needs to walk away and be far away from me. We already breakup and he needs to have his own life without me. But I can’t still move on for what exactly the scenario right now. Since he deletes me on facebook I was get back to the site where we first met. Not to replace or find another guy but to visit him there coz that’s another way for me just to see him and reminisce the good start we have.

I was a bit shock that he also got back and seen his online an hour, yes he’s back. And it’s another additional hurts for my heart seeing his back there.

I just want to make it clear again I just got back not to find someone else and replace him, or find another one to move on. No it’s not like that, I just got back because I want to visit him day by day there coz I thought he is inactive at all. But now he’s back… for what? Is it he’s looking now for another one? Another that deserves and not a burden like me? He is free whatever he wants to meet new one and find one. (It really hurt deeply on me…) He’s irreplaceable in my heart and I should not forget that I don’t have the right at all to jealous and stop him for whatever he wants to do in his life. Not at all, but I feel another pain now maybe he’s trying to forwardly erase me easily to find another one. (Crying at the moment…) I want to stay and keep my dream alive being with him but it was no clear to my mind that we ended up. For what we have so I ‘am nothing on him at all and he’s free to choose if he wants to be in that site again and find somebody. I love him so much and for me it will take me a long long way to heal. I need to rest my heart and making myself divert my attention into my life and family.

It’s hurt me so much so I can’t able to visit his profile now coz I don’t want him to see me visiting him and I might remind him a burden.

I know in my heart I don’t want you to let go and replace by someone coz for me you are the only one I give my love the most. But if you find that this is what exactly makes you feel more better and okie I will try to learn to accept slowly step by step even if it cause me a wounds in my heart. Your happiness is my happiness even if I need to suffer myself and torn myself apart from hurting. My word is not enough but I wish in my prayer that if you find someone better which is not a burden like me, capable and can help you in many ways, can love you more and not like a mess like me. I will acceptably teach myself to gradually understand that, not to keep myself to push and asking you just love me, only me. I wish the bless woman you will find is the best and can give more lights in you.

But for me you will be my everlasting LOVE… I Love you so much even if I cannot able to say that to you now and I don’t have the right at all. I do love you deep inside of me. (Crying again…)