The Moment my HEART Breaks

An expected moment, I was so excited to see my Sweet Love to talk for him on skype, I really wonder things about what exactly happening to him. Because it’s been a long days since we never talk and seen each other. But the connection is always there even we just chat/sending message on fb messenger. I admit that I really wanna see him to comfort him and never ever stop to cheer him up despite of what’s happening at the moment. I want him to feel that even the worst moment I’am standing still and stay behind and always being here no matter what. And then he asks my time if I have chances to talk in short time on skype. No doubt for me to urgently answer, of course he always has my time for him. Then the moment finally come, I really obviously seen the registration on his face about this seriously struggle he facing regards many things. I’m just calmly staring at him, seriously listening when he first open the conversation. It’s very emotional and I’m trying to hide how I felt for him that I wish I can carry his entire burden inside or even a half to enlighten his sadness. He is massively feeling so so down. I really feel it and I understand how it feels being on his situation. I tried to hide that I feel sad seeing he’s sad; it feels like I don’t want him to be in that situation because he don’t deserve it. But unfortunately I cannot do anything; I’m not capable to find a solution on his problem. I want to keep play strong while listening on him, I told to myself I don’t want to cry and I don’t want him to see me cry because I want to encourage him “I’am here no matter what and I don’t want you to feel alone the moment you want someone to share how you feel inside and an ear to listen, a voice to whisper and say don’t lose HOPE”. I tried my very best but suddenly when he open and told me he wants to break me up… The time stops on me, my heart bleeding and crumpled and crashing down.

My tears started to flow, I’m speechless can’t say any words but my heart say “I love you and I want to stay and hold still for you”. The most feeling I’ am afraid of, to lose the LOVE that I’m trying to care, value and letting grow and grow. Heart breaks, sadness and feel alone again and go back to the moment that I tell myself I’ am not deserve to LOVE at all. My tears flow like a river and it really feels like it’s broken the whole me, all you can do is to cry and cry and cry and cry. The hardest thing to accept is when the one you love unhold and wants to break you up. I’m trying to figure things out, what exactly I did wrong, or possibly I’ am useless coz I’ am nothing or nothing to do. I never ever think to escape and save myself when I knew he had terrible serious problems. Instead I believed that I should stay and always be there to cheer him even in moral support and reminding him good things. I know he needs time and focus on his problem to find solutions and work things out one by one. And it’s not easy it takes a long way to solve it. I never think to run, ignore and just think only myself and not to stress to listen and find what he had. Because I love him so much and I know even a small thing I should understand him, listen to him, give him space and time, remind him good thoughts, cheer him time to time.

I don’t want him to suffer, feel alone and to pull his self down. “I’ am here always and I don’t see that staying, loving and being with him is a burden”, because LIFE always give us the challenges that test our strength. But I didn’t make it so far; everything I did and have is just nothing. It doesn’t work, he actually drowning and weak so he gives up for us. I guess because he wants to find his self and fix things about his life. It is really so so hard for me to accept this, here I go again, hard headed, fall in love and take the risk. Now see what’s the result “I’m lost again, alone, broken and my heart and soul devastated”. This is the hardest thing happen in me compare with those crazy people who pass by. It’s hurt and it’s painful when you love someone who plays your heart and I’ve been there before. It’s true that you love them and give your best but they cheat coz you are not enough. But this is the most differently situation and massively hard to accept when you love someone who perfectly love you and feel your special and find the right person but in a wrong situation because the love wasn’t able to continue at all because it will be worthless, because both sides can’t do anything to work this for. They found love and everything but they are both not capable at all to find way to meet and lost everything. “It’s like found the right love but in the wrong time and wrong situation”. This is harder more compare to hurt and pain cause of cheating. Because both LOVE is there but both of you can’t able to make it at all. He almost there losing everything, from the tax debit problems, stress and pressure about his life finding solution alone, emotional problems, might lose everything like his home, things he own, having a hardship on his daughter health from a diabetic issue and now he decided to even dispatch or losing us. Disconnection of our relationship and breaking me up, it’s really so hard to be in that situation I know it feels you like giving up, I want to win him back or even if I should kneeling down and begging him I would do that. Because I do mean that I love him and I don’t want him to lose and still hold on and believe.

“But this not what he want, this is all he need to do” regards to our relationship. And the moment I heard that it crash my heart 10x times or more than that he need to do this. A NEED, whatever it is want or need it might be different meaning but its same cause for me to feel sad and cry. It is really hard and I don’t really want to be in this scenario to be broken hearted I really don’t want this happen but this is exactly happening. I’m melting in sadness and the tears covering my heart with sadness. Feels like my heart shouting in the dark room that no one ever hears me, a very dark place and I never seen any light even a small one. I really really do love him so much. But he needs the freedom to find what is better for him not for me. I need to understand him even it’s a tough decision to let him go. I don’t want it but if this is the best he seen for his self, I need to sacrifice my heart to understand, let him go, finding his self and walk to his journey alone without me. I’m crashing down, my heart really feel I’am useless and worthless, feels like even I cry thousand times there’s no reason at all for me and deserve to continue to love him but I do inside my heart and he is the one I love and I keep loving him, he is totally irreplaceable in my heart. My prayers for you will always lead you and I keep all the sweet memories we have. I want to stay to love you, but I have no reason to insist at all because things end up for you, I really don’t want and need to lose you but the wheels of love of bicycle don’t work if the one wheel damage and broke. It’s not only about my side but both of us. I really Love you so much you taught me a lot and give me reason to believe again and taking risk. Make my heart works and love again.

I don’t want to say goodbye because there’s a lot of thing to miss on you and I will always getting back many times to reminisce all the sweet memories I treasured being with you because I do really LOVE you. I don’t know even how to get mad at you so don’t ask the apology, it’s my choice to love without any doubt and I don’t blame anything what we’ve been through. Maybe I was just mad only for the situation but I don’t know how to get mad to the people I love, especially the one I love the most.

Mahal na mahal kita dito sa puso ko.