The Pain

My Sensei is insensitive sometimes it's like same as he forgotten days and even details that i told him before. I'm not asking him to stop chatting with girls for friendship purposes, coz i know he do chat with many friends. But the only thing i was worried is those girls who claim falling in love with him, flirting with him and play around. I trust him with all my heart, believing all he told me coz i should and i need too.

But sometimes i was really felt hurt when someone's claiming him as there boyfriend, there baby or even a special one for them. And having the courage to post their photos of skype conversation printscreen. I do hurt when i have chances to saw one. Claiming him as her baby and mysensei didnt really understand the feeling that i might feel in my situation.

But i guess i dont have rights to jelous or feel the pain. Theres a lot of realization that comes on my mind after all. I'm asking and seeking answers, explaination and even trying to find way to understand if he do value my worth? If im not enough for him? or he felt the sameway that im a boring like what others felt on me. I try harder and harder to think about it and find the answer. Enumerate things that what are those i need to, what are those they have that i dont have. What really am i for him?

Am i only an option? he's alternative chat buddy when the time he wasnt enjoy other's? or just a casual one. Many things might play on my mind that is not yet confirm or answer because he is the only one can answer it. But i didnt get the answers that i need.

I try to fix things and asking on his part about the last time i saw a photo of him with other girl. I wait for him for the time he can able to explain things about me coz iam ready, ready to listen and understand certain things that we need to talk about. But then he just like deaf and ignore me that day. I sent him SMS that "we need to over it and im praying for his happiness". But the only answer or reply i have is "Are you done". I feel so inconsiderate that day, now where is the justice of waiting the person that you keep trying to understand and youre willing to listen on him and still your heart and mind is believing that you can fix things in proper way and having a good conversation. But sorry for me coz iam not worth to explain things about what he want to do in his life. Iám just not enough for him to considered as important person for him. But then he dont have any idea how this boring heart, crazy heart, this pure heart is falling for him and no matter what bad things and hurt he did it feels like i keep continue to love him and willing to understand him. But it is TRUE, relationship is not one way. They need to be both, and this two way needs to give and take but how come he wasnt even realize how really hard for me to feel that way or feel where am i.

And iam seriously crazy and stupid loving him real, showing how genuine am i and want him to work things out of what we have. Value all things weve been through even a very small things and details. Is it bad to be real? Is it bad that you want to give and keep being nice often for what you have? True that im so ambitious and too much believing in fairytale. And i found out that i was just wasting his time, coz iam too much and showing my overwhelmed love for him. Intimidating even in LOVE, he doesnt have any idea how many times ive cried till my eyes run dry and deal with the pain he cause.

I never ever played him, ive never pretend that i loved him in which i did and i still but its useless coz i know my love doesnt deserve for him to pay back on me. But then its still okie,it feels like i can still smile as long as he want me to be with him. But things is over coz i know iam no nothing to compare with those he talk too, to his ex-girlfriend that he still love and care. Sorry i was not enough even i give my best, i try hard, making him feel bored, irritated for my emotional attitudes. And sorry coz i was not live as his queen, failed to make him feel he is my man and my king. But my heart purely really love him and appreciate those running moments what we had. And this pain might be damage me too much for loving him so much. Sorry coz i cant be like them, i cant able to reach those things that already did of your ex or more than she did. And most of all sorry coz i really mean to LOVE you. And i know all the pain you made will find me a reason to make a better start.